Ridic

I had some time on my hands at work a while back and went to familiarize myself with the employee database (there's over 2,300 people in our Beijing branch alone). My initial intent was to scope out how many foreigners work here, and who they are, and if I can meet them. Lost track of that goal after a bit (and there are hardly any anyway), but did light upon another FINE discovery: hilarious English names. Chinese business culture has hit upon the (in my view) odd custom of having everyone chose an English name and use that professionally. Not only on business cards, in emails, and at meetings, but between colleagues at the office, which I find weird. Especially when people choose names that are really difficult for a Chinese speaker to say, and then ask everyone to call them that. But anyway, looking at this whole long list of English names, I saw some funny, funny examples. It was so much fun I took a look at some of our company's other offices around China, too--with similarly hysterical results.

In general, people were pretty good about picking their names. Most ended up with pretty generic, if somewhat outdated or bizarre, English pseudonyms.

Guys fared pretty well (James, Phillip, Frank, Jerry), but some of the girls went astray. A lot ended up with names that were perfectly fine but a little antiquated, like Dorothy, Mavis, Betty, and Agnes. There was a propensity for really odd names—sure, they're names, but we have certain cultural associations with them, or they just aren’t used very often. There were numerous Scarletts, many Fionas and Sophias, plentyyyy of Candys, Selinas, Stellas, Cissys, and tons and tons of Crystals. For some reason, Ramona was also popular, and then, my personal favorite—there were at least thirty Yolandas.

I also liked Bonita, Teresita, Saggita, and Queena.

A couple guys reached way back and picked Ignatius and Crassus. I'm pretty sure there hasn't been anybody named either of these things since the fall of the Roman empire.

Not sure what Geejohn was going for....Bijon? Also, for the fifty or so people named Kelvin, did you mean Kevin, or Calvin? Or just not Celsius and Fahrenheit?

Everyone should know that a new office-themed porno is being released starring Kiki, Desire, Cherry, Ivory Wang, Pearl, Cloris, Hyman, and Kinky. Not kidding.

A lot of people appeared to think that English names consisted of a random collection of letters, usually with a Y at the end, and proceeded to make up names as they felt like it. This list included: Prispan, Hiddy, Nash, Wisler, Welly, Slonly, Hingis (a combination of Ghengis and Haggis?), Eleantly (were you going for elegantly? Still not a name), Licco, Harsha, Hedy, Meky, Serney, Ancy (ansty?), Paky, Simmy, Spethen, Velitte, Zuzu AND Zizi (my friend informs me this is slang for dick in French), Jussi (Juicy?), Dawa, Pelson, Retty (Ratty?), Evilyt (what? How do you even say that?), Yuly, Lundy, Cicky (is this pronounced Sicky? Kicky?), Inez, Sinky, Sgy (again, completely unpronounceable--how do they introduce themself?), Schumy, Scort (Skort?), Jerress, and Pheemarn. We come at last to the very best ones, in my opinion: Sweetot, Smallroson (what?! how did you even come up with that?), Loof, and--finally--Riddick. Forgive me, but there's really no way to describe that except as, well, ridic.

Waterling and Wakeman sound like people I should have heard of--celebrities, perhaps--but no, again, made up.

A few tried to make themselves sound sophisticated and European, but failed: Auberon, Kunthea, Jacinle, Fionnuala, and Ucifer, as well as Horitio and Fandica (in-the-flesh Spaniards, obviously), Latherihe (is that Dutch?), Enphiere and Mercharlain (French, perhaps?), and Yesky (Polish?).

I really don't know what the person who named himself Eazzy was thinking, and I can't fathom "Duff", either--were you going for the dessert, or like, old duffer? Neither is flattering.

Some people (men, I'm assuming) wanted to show how powerful and impressive they are. These guys included Ranger, Knight, Saint, Prince, Baron, Kaiser, and Caesar (all first names, of course). Lux and Rich stayed on this vein, too--aspiring Sugar Daddy's.

Some people chose names of celebrities. These included Shania, Demi, Coco, Enya, Ringo, Garfield, Homer and Simpson, Hanks, Kobe, and Federer (yes, all first names).

Then we come to the best group of all, people who chose real words that ARE NOT NAMES and used them as their first name.

There were a lot inspired by nature.
For plants, there was Jungle, Leaf, seven Forests, many Floras, as well as plenty of the following: Iris, Daisy, Lily, Violet, Ivy, Holly, Rosemary, Jasmine--ok, so far, so good, all are actually real names--and then, Apple, Minty, Berry, Fuchsia, Cherry, Willow, Hazel, Lotus, Celery, Dandelion, Maple, Olive, Basil, Hyacinth, and Carnation. Most of those are NOT names known to the English speaking world.
On the fauna side, I noted Swan, Swallow, Snake, Fish, Whale (yup, I know), Kitty, Cat, Lion, and finally, Dingo. YES. "Hello, I'm Snake Chen, and this is my colleague, Dingo Li."

There were two Seasons, an Autumn, a Winter, a Spring, and many Summers, Aprils, Mays, Junes, and an August. We went meteorological, too, with Astro, Cosmo, Windy, Sunny, Sky, Rain, and Haze, and then did some astronomy with Lunar, Mercury, Mars (4 of them!) and Pluto. Turning Greek from Roman, I saw an Apollo, several Athenas, and an Aries.

Next, some people chose to delve into geology, with names like: Rocky, Stone, Ruby, Amber and Jade.

Others turned to the sea: believe it or not, there were TWO people named Aegean, an Aqua, an Ocean, several Seals, three Ariels, the aforementioned Fish and Whale, a number of Corals, and a Coraly (again, adding a Y to any word or group of letter does NOT make it a name, people!).

Some people tried to describe themselves, ineptly: Shiny, Sparkle, Bright, Ace, Peppy, Dancy, Blondy, Teenie (for your sake, I hope you are a girl, not a guy!), Jumbo (definitely a guy), Driven, Constant, Wisdom, and Smilee.

We had a Winna, and a Balla.

To the people who chose Pinky, Purple, White, Red and Grey--come on, that's just not creative enough.

I was utterly perplexed by names like Deck, Wood, Pence, and Tassel, as well as Locke, Arrow, Ferry, Jelly, River, Derby, Health (two people were named this!), and Cycle. There was a Saver (really baffling), as well as two Sevens (why not Six, or Eight?) and a Tenth (the tenth WHAT?).

Also confusing were names that conveyed an activity, like Dash, Squall, Calling, Sailing, and Dreaming. Kite and Yoyo aren't names either, sorry, although they are fun. Ditto for Ices and Snow. And while Sunday is a nice day of the week, it, too, is not appropriate nomenclature for a person.

There were a lot of Melody's (fine)--but apparently someone named Tunes got mixed up and picked the wrong translation. Maybe that's the derivation of Chord, too?

I hope Coffee Tian and Cream Zhou work together--they sound quite complementary.

Someone named Cabernet should be careful not to come drunk to the office.

Conjunctions cannot be used as names, Even, nor can adverbs, Hence.

Some people made themselves sound intriguing and mysterious, like Cipher, Quest, and Vagary (how long did you have to search in the dictionary to come up with that word?). Others just came off as boring, like Silence, Vanilla, Lackie, Worry, Mirror, and Echo, of which I counted twelve.

Phoenix and Tiger were just too cliché for my taste.

Meanwhile, Eden, Angel (more than 10 of them) and Fairy (hopefully a girl, not a guy, again) sounded like heavenly additions to any company.

Somebody really went for it and named himself Brain. Another person with an over-inflated ego called him or herself Miracle, while not one but TWO people chose Godspeed, and another, Starlet. And finally, somebody took the plunge: Rambo.

Now for my top five favorites:

5) Icestream. I want to meet this fellow and get his business card. Imagine walking into a meeting and introducing yourself as Icestream? Bet he doesn't actually go to many meetings.

4) I know I already mentioned it in relation to the porno, but really, Kinky is priceless. "Hi, it's nice to meet you. I'm Kinky. Shall we go into the conference room?"

3) Dingo, too, been said, but COME ON. Dingo. (Whale was pretty good, too).

2) Sucker. Yes, someone was actually dumb enough to name themselves Sucker.

1) SINNER. Amazing.